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03/03/01
My job was simple, I went to every part of the hospital and picked up the "red bags and needles boxes" from floor to floor. My job title gave me access to the ER, L&D, the morgue, surgery, etc. I was content for a few weeks but deep inside I knew there was something way bigger out there for me. One Thursday afternoon I said to hell with all this shit, I want to go to Los Angeles. I quit my job, and picked up my last two pay checks from personnel, (I knew someone really high up that worked there) and drove home, packed my 1982 Camaro with as much shit as I could and then headed off to LA. Although I didn't know anyone there, I was sure I'd be able to make a name for myself if not in music, just being myself. The trip out there was amazing in it's self, although I'd already by that time seen most of the East Coast, I'd never really been out West, I was blown away by the scenery for the entire drive.
Apon arrival in LA it wasn't too long, maybe 3 days of sitting in a park right off Topanga Blvd that I met some people my age that was trying to get their feet planted out there as well. Patrick and Michelle. Two 19 year old lovers who had met through some dating service (as far as I could tell) had came out to LA to set up a happy home. They, unlike myself had no car, and didn't like sleeping in the park. Pat and I pulled off some stick ups at a few gas stations, and within a week or so me, Michelle, and Pat moved into a studio apartment a few blocks away from Van Nuys Blvd. The rent even then, back in 1991 for a studio was $800 a month, so me and Pat kept busy at night knocking off gas stations and hustling money any way we could. After about 3 months of Michelle's shit I was fed up, so was Pat. She had us in the middle of a check scheme that was a dead bust, and even though it would have meant more money for us all, she had kept all the cash for herself. Pat and me packed our shit one day while Michelle was out at the pool, left her high and dry to fend for herself. We got a hotel room in North Hollywood, off Sherman Oaks Blvd, and for a few days just partied like hell, meeting people and having a good time. One night when Pat and I was alone, drunk as hell, snorting coke, he out of the blue asked me if I'd ever killed someone before. I looked at him, he was way bigger than me, and although I knew he was going to kill me (for some reason) I answered him. "Yeah, but it's a long story". Pat smiled and then broke into laughter, so much so that I also laughed and laughed. "Pat, what's on your mind man?" I managed to cough up through all my giggles. "Let's go kill Michelle man, that bitch drug me out here, promising me love ever after, happiness and all that stupid shit. I want to fucking kill her Tillman". We drove the 20 or so miles back to Van Nuys Blvd, Pat knocked on the door, I waited inside the car so he'd be able to get inside alright. Sure enough, the door opened and what I thought looked like Michelle was standing there in a night gown. Pat went inside and the door shut. I sat there for at least an hour waiting, not knowing what was going on, if Pat had passed out, or if he was hacking her up into pieces. Our plan was he'd turn the hanging light on next to the sliding glass door when he had her tied up. An hour and a half went by, nothing. I walked to the front door and knocked ever so softly. Nothing. I put my ear to the door and I could hear Pat's voice moaning with pleasure....... He'd sold me out, I was so pissed. I kicked in the door to find them fucking (of course) and I lost what little bit of sanity that I had. I reached over the counter top and grabbed the biggest butcher knife in the set, and to Pat's screams of no, no, no, I buried it into Michelle's back. She went stiff, her hands reaching suddenly behind her, but unable to reach the knife fell forward on her face sliding right off the bed with a huge "clump". Pat sat up screaming at me, tears were in his eyes, "What the fuck are you doing Tillman?" In my mind I asked him the same question, at that point, I felt more betrayed than ever before. I stabbed Pat over and over, and just to satisfy my blood lust I cut both their heads off and put them in the sink. I drove back to Nashville about a week after that, and for a long long time I just knew I'd be picked up because of the many parking tickets Michelle had racked up. But as time goes on, I know now that the whole scene was just a way to make me a stronger person.
Everywhere you go these days you find a myriad of restrictions: No Smoking, No Pets, No Loud Music, No Loitering, No Parking, etc. Now, I agree that some of these restrictions do help make life a little less chaotic and therefore serve a legitimate purpose. But, there's one I'd like to see a hell of a lot more often than I currently do. That would be: No Children!
Try going to a restaurant for a nice, quiet, relaxing meal these days. Most of the time that's impossible. Invariably, a party (or several parties) will arrive which include one or more unrestrained hellions. Further, if your luck runs anything like mine does, they'll be seated right next to where you are. Then, for the duration of your visit, you'll be subjected to the little bastards' yelling, screaming, crying, complaining, fidgeting, and non-stop blithering and chattering until you're barely able to keep from pinching their goddamned heads off! Then, when you finally have had enough and you confront the parents about their kids' awful behavior, everyone acts as if they're shocked and you're an unreasonable asshole. I've been asked to leave many an eating establishment after going off on the parents of some undisciplined scum-cake of a kid. It's not just restaurants, either. Try going to a movie, a sporting event, a shopping center, or just about anywhere else for that matter, without finding yourself in a situation where you've got to put up with someone else's fucking kids. It ain't happening!
In today's culture we're bombarded with the term, "Let's do it for the children." Fix the economy? Let's do it for the children. Censorship? Let's do it for the children. Foreign Policy? Let's do it for the children. Gun control? Let's do it for the children. Ban abortion? Let's do it for the children. Capital punishment? Let's do it for the children. And on, and on, and on, ad nauseam. Well, you know what? I've got a suggestion for something that people can do for the children: Teach them some goddamned manners! That's right; teach them how to fucking act in public so they won't grow up to be spoiled assholes like their parents. Better yet, if parents aren't going to take their responsibilities seriously, they shouldn't have the little cocksuckers in the first fucking place! Otherwise, they should stop being so indignant when someone who doesn't want to (and shouldn't have to) put up with their little bastards gets in their face and/or kicks their candy-ass because they've had enough of their kids' bullshit. You can't have it both ways.
The bottom line is this: If you're going to create another worthless bag of skin to inhabit this already overcrowded planet of ours, at least make an attempt to teach the little bastard a thing or two about not being a pain in the ass to others. They may or may not listen, but at least try, goddamnit! If you don't, then don't act surprised when someone like me jerks a knot in your ass because they've had a bellyful of your kid acting like a fucking retard in public. After all, kids are generally reflections of their parents. Aren't they?
02/27/01
I know in the past I've said I was in need of a major vacation from FX, and that's not right, that's not what I meant to say. I love posting here, sharing myself and bullshit blah blah blah....... What I was trying to say was I need a vacation from the net. I know, you FX regulars have heard this all before, but this time I'm serious. I'm still going to be checking in briefly here and there to make certain everything is running smooth, and answering email at my leisure. I'm sure I'll even slap up a few updates and shit every now and then too, but on the other hand nothing at all might happen. Just so we're all clear on this, I'm taking 2 weeks off. *Two Weeks* Please play nice, and don't do anything I would do.
02/26/01
I have a major problem maintaining my composure and refraining from seriously injuring these fucking dickheads who drive around with their cars' audio systems cranked up so loud that the bass beat sounds like goddamned cannon blasts. My house is situated on the corner where the two busiest streets of my neighborhood intersect. Consequently, especially when the weather is nice, I get to listen to a constant stream of dip-shits drive by my house with their infernal audio systems so loud that my windows rattle as they pass. I often contemplate sniping a few of these fuckers but I really don't have any desire to cool my heels in prison any time soon. That could change, however, if these shit-stains keep pushing me.
Anyway, about two weeks ago, on the spur of the moment, I typed up a bogus "Health Update Bulletin" suggesting that studies performed at Johns Hopkins University medical center have revealed that prolonged exposure to excessively loud car audio systems has been linked to a variety of debilitating neurological disorders, as well as testicular and ovarian cancer. I went into great detail about how the sonic vibrations from the stereo speakers infiltrate and damage the cranial fluid sack surrounding the brain resulting in premature general dementia, Alzheimer's, and Parkinson's disease. I further described how the vibrations also harm the delicate tissues of the testicles and ovaries resulting in spontaneous, rampant cell reproduction and, ultimately, cancer. I took my bogus bulletin, made a shit-load of copies, and left one wherever I thought lots of people would see it. Then, I waited. I wasn't really sure, or even very hopeful, that my bulletin would be taken seriously.
It looked convincing enough, but I remained somewhat doubtful as to whether people are as totally fucking stupid as I believe them to be. Boy, did they ever show me.
Today I was almost floored to hear a report on the local TV news that their switchboard has been flooded with calls lately requesting information about the very shit I wrote about in my fake bulletin. It seems that there are a whole lot of folks out there who are now worried about what their music is doing to their brains, balls and pussies. The news anchor went on to assure viewers that the information they were calling about had not yet been verified and, until it was, should be considered suspect. My stomach still hurts from the laughing fit I had over this shit. My faith in the utter stupidity of most of the idiots stumbling around me every day has been restored. I was foolish to have ever doubted my instincts in the first place.
I think it was P. T. Barnum who once said, "There's a sucker born every minute." Of course, our politicians, corporate leaders, and the media have been aware of that fact and have taken advantage of it for a long time. No matter how ridiculous something is, if you package it right the gullible assholes will believe it without question. That's the difference between them and us. People like us will not believe, follow or obey without first questioning and seeking some logical answers. "They" just can't pull the wool over our eyes like they do everyone else. That's precisely why we freethinkers and rebels are labeled deviants and demonized by mainstream society. Our very existence reminds them of their total lack of true substance. We are living, breathing testaments to how completely lame the members of the "herd" are.
I, for one, am overjoyed that my mere appearance is threatening enough to Mr. & Mrs. Average Citizen to make them uncomfortable. Lock up your wives, daughters and small pets, motherfuckers. There's more like me where I come from, and boy are they pissed!
02/25/01
On a lighter note I took the quiz..... Hmmm, I'm shocked. All this time I thought I'd be a slut if I were a chick, turns out I'm Cinderella-like? I'd never recomend anything illegal, but if I was a hacker.......
02/24/01
tillman
hey, whats up
I have been going to your web page for some time now and I am some what of a fan. I like what you have done and the message you are sending to others. Because of the influence of your page and other pages like yours I have started my own web page. Its not that great, but its a start. Check it out and tell me what you think. The address is http://wickedgod.homestead.com/ and its called "planet fuck heads".
Sincerly, Bob, your web site is
very good man. I guess I should say more but I'm really in a weird mood man. I just watched Sling Blade for about the 100th time. Whenever Carl and Frank were sitting out there at that lake, and Carl told Frank he wanted to put his arm around him, then tells him he loves him...... it kills me every time. It's weird dude, because I know I'll never be able to share a moment like that with anyone. I'm incapable of doing the normal things that make a relationship work. First off I have a major problem with someone touching me. I'll crawl over my desk to avoid a client or co worker from even placing their hand on my shoulder, or trying to pat me on the back. It runs deeper than just strangers and friends too. I'm still not sure how my mom was able to trick me, but she
somehow got close enough to me to hug me about a year ago, and it freaked me out so bad I remember it like it was yesterday.
Leaving my house has become next to impossible these days too. I used to freak out only every now and then when I was out somewhere, but things have taken a seriously bad turn over the last 6 to 12 months. I freak out just thinking about leaving my house. I can't explain what it is, I have tremendous social skills, I'm always received
warmly, and tend to be the life of the party. Not only that, but I can manipulate people into doing things they normally wouldn't. Besides a tattoo on my head, and looking like I'm a little bit angry all in all I look pretty much just like anyone else you see on any given day. It's not a fear of someone harming me either Bob. I'm a fairly big dude, and have had to use my strength in what might be considered an abnormal amount of times because of either my lack of patience, or too much alcohol. I can take care of myself very well when needed.
No one has really ever loved me Bob. Well, a few people I've let get a little close to me love what parts of me they know, the parts I'd share. But on the inside I'm really a horrible person. So I really don't mind not being loved all that much. If I could change one thing about me, it would be all of me.
I think about killing myself sometimes, but something always comes along to push me just a little further down life's road. I've recently met someone I love dude, she's incredible, but I'm starting to fall back into my old ways. Someone gets too close, I push them away. I even seen it coming this time and warned them of my automatic response system, but it just won't stop man. I guess everyone was meant to do something in life, I guess my whole trip is to suffer. What's even more weird is, while I'm talking about shit like this that's inside me, I like who I am.
Anyways Bob, nice to meet you, I'm sorry to unload on you man.
I hope FX sends you a few hits and that makes all the difference between you finding your happiness or winding up like myself.
Forever Pissed,
Rant About It: Here
See More Bullshit: Here
We all see things differently.
02/23/01 Star Morgan, the girl arrested for wearing a Marilyn Manson T-Shirt that displayed the phrase, "I am the god of fuck" was kind enough to give FX an exclusive interview, so I asked Morbid Shadow, author of
The Truth About God to take on this task. Who better to deal with god bullshit, right? "Thank yous" go out to Star Morgan, Morbid Shadow, Colemite, and KillGod.Net.
Morbid Shadow: What was your first reaction as police cited you for the shirt you were wearing?
Star Morgan: Disbelief! I couldn't believe that they were serious. They were telling me that I was harassing people, yet I had no contact with anybody that day except my sister and my two nieces.
Morbid Shadow: When Marshall County Attorney Jeff Edwards said that he did not feel your free-speech rights were violated because the phrase on the shirt was too offensive, did he mention a reason as to how it was too offfensive?
Star Morgan: Jeff Edwards actually gave no reason at all except that he couldn't think of anything else to cite me with. When I went to court, the judge(Don Thomas) said that I had basically been shouting "fire" in a crowded theatre. Also later mentioned in court was the fact that by my wearing that shirt, I was repeating the same offensive phrase ("I am the god of fuck")over and over.
Morbid Shadow: How does it make you feel knowing that a jury will often base their decision on their own religious beliefs?
Star Morgan: Well, first and foremost, it pisses me off. Second, it makes me feel like I'm in a no-win situation. That is why we elected to go with a bench trial in our first court appearance. It's completely wrong and unfair, but what the hell can I or anybody else do about it?!
Morbid Shadow: The Establishment Clause in the First Amendment prohibits the state from enacting laws that prohibit the free excercise of religion, and prevents the state from favoring one religion over the other. How do you feel that this clause was violated in the non-jury trial?
Star Morgan: Well, I'll tell you! As I walked into the court room that day, I witnessed a minister, Tim Hodges (Rev. of Walnut St. Baptist Church, former drug addict and unconfirmed child molester), meeting and greeting the people awaiting jury duty. My attorney (David Harshaw) and I knew we were doomed from the start! After we elected to have the bench trial, Judge Thomas stated to the potential jurors that he had promised a trial and that he would uphold that promise...whatever that means. Anyway, as quickly as the trial began, it ended with a guilty verdict.
Morbid Shadow: How long after receiving the citation did the harrassment begin, and how badly was your car vandalized? Was anything else vandalized as well?
Star Morgan: The harassment didn't begin until after the trial. That was big news around these parts and people instantly recognized me and my situation from TV and newspapers. That's when the mail and threats started. Most of the mail I have, and am still receiving, has been from churches and those associated with the christian church. Mainly tracts and "God loves you" type of shit. The threats have all been verbal, usually by passer-bys and such in local stores and eateries. It's a real pain in the ass sometimes! Some of the things that have happened to me in the last 2.5 years since my conviction include: My car has been vandalized....my windows have been cluttered with "God Loves You" letters and stickers that are a pain in the ass to remove. My personalized "KILL GOD" license plate was torn off, crumpled up into a ball and tossed on top of my car. My paint job has been keyed and spit on. Oh those loveable Christians!!! During Halloween of 1998, a group of self-proclaimed christians blockaded my house and were escorting children past our house so that they could not get any candy. That's a whole story in itself! One of my cats, Manson, mysteriously disappeared and another of my cats, Jesus, was found dead in my front yard. Although I have no proof, I don't think they were accidents. I was having panic attacks one day and went to the medical center to have my problem diagnosed (wearing a shirt that read "I love Satan") and they refused to treat me at first. They finally agreed to see me and when they did, one of the nurses told me that perhaps I was being punished by god! I still can't believe that shit! After making a few phone calls to some higher-ups, I received a phone call from the medical center apologizing for their actions. I think I should've sued the fuckers! My father owns a roofing business and he stood by me every step of the way. His support, however, caused his business numbers to dwindle. Many people refused to have him do their roofs after they learned that I was his daughter. And I was working with him at the time, so this hurt the both of us. Just recently (about 4 months ago), I was attacked in my front yard by a masked man as I was going to warm up my car to go to work. That was fucked up! I only received a busted mouth, but had I not been able to get his hand away from my mouth to scream, I don't know what would've happened. This guy has not been apprehended and I'm not sure what his intentions were. I still don't go outside after dark anymore! And, of course, the police did next to nothing about this except name the lead investigator on the case, Officer Gary West, "Crime Stopper of the Month".That whole cluster-fuck is another story in itself!
Morbid Shadow: How did you feel after winning a reversal from a court of appeal?
Star Morgan: I felt relieved. I knew it would happen eventually. It was just a matter of when. It was also a matter of getting out of this area! Now maybe I can clear my head a little bit and better focus on my mortuary science studies.
Morbid Shadow: Did any christians you know take your side, or did they all think you should have been punished? Did any have comments on how you were treated both in court and by citizens of your town?
Star Morgan: I only have a couple of friends that I would say are devout christians and they both supported me whole-heartedly. There were no problems there. One of those friends is a member of the Walnut St. Baptist Church lead by the Rev. Hodges that I mentioned earlier. Yep, I know some dirt on that fucker!
Morbid Shadow: Have you ever had any serious problems with christians before moving to Benton, Kentucky? If so, how were you mistreated?
Star Morgan: No, none. In fact, I've never even given any thought to christianity or any other religion for that matter. In the days before I moved to Kentucky, I didn't care about religious preference. But when I moved here, I became aware that christianity is a serious problem. It is a cult that tries to force it's beliefs on people using scare tactics and propaganda. And if you don't conform then you pay the price, as I have. I urge anyone that doesn't think christians are dangerous to visit Benton, KY. It will change your mind.
Morbid Shadow: What is your religion, if any, and how has your beliefs affected the way people look at you(before or after the citation)?
Star Morgan: I have no religion. If anything, I am an atheist, but in reality, I'd prefer not to carry any type of religious label. It's all pure nonsense! I've never really talked about my beliefs, and have had no problems from anyone until I became known for this t-shirt fiasco and now I'm the root of all evil. Which I don't mind...It's kind of flattering!
Morbid Shadow: Have you ever been a christian and what made you change if you were?
Star Morgan: No, I've never been a christian. As a kid, my aunt would try to expose me to the ways of christianity and my dad is a reincarnationist, but I've always been able to think for myself and would not succumb to any ideology that I deemed ludicrous.
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02/22/01 tillman
a few of your fans...really liked what they saw
it seems theyre on their knees. pleading
.begging for more
now should i show them these...now should i or what.. xxxxxxxxxxxxx
fuck im warped..lol....cya ....kez Kez Fuck #1 Pic Kez Fuck #2 Pic Kez Fuck #3 Pic Kez, thank you, thank you, thank you. Wow! These pics are awesome babe. I still can't believe you're sending me nude pics. Fuck, I'm starting to feel special or something. #5 almost made me want to crawl to the "outback!" Yum.
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The apocalypse referred to in the scriptures of every holy book known to mankind The nations of the civilized world will collapse Around the globe generations of polluters will be punished for their sins Whole sale assignation served to destabilize every reaming government
Where the rich get richer and the poor get fucked over and out But agaist whom Starvation reins supreme And humankind having proving itself as nothing more than a race of human squanders falls victim to the hands of interplanetary alien tribes who seek to conquer our charred remains
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We've all seen this shit before: Elvis, Lennon, Cobain, JFK Jr, Princess Di, etc. Would someone please explain to me what all the fuss is about? What the fuck did any of these people do that really and truly had any significant effect on anyone's miserable life? I'm not talking about emotions here; I'm talking about a honest-to-goodness effect on our lives. Not a goddamned thing, that's what. None of those assholes gave me a thing. I've worked hard for and earned anything I now have. Sure, in some instances, a few of these dead fucks entertained me a little bit but, hell, that was their fucking job and they got filthy-fucking rich doing it. I'm supposed to worship them for that? I don't think so! They were here, now they're gone. Goodbye. Who's next?
Most people today are so thoroughly devoid of any substance whatsoever that they have to live vicariously through celebrities to feel anything. Just look at our society's love affair with entertainers, athletes, royalty, and anyone or anything else to help them forget about what shallow, mindless wastes of humanity they really are. The moronic majority lives their lives exactly as the media instructs them to. They buy the clothes that the media tells them are cool this year. They buy the toys for their little scum-spawn that the media tells them are hot this year. They emulate the shit-stains that they worship because they're totally incapable of anything original and genuine if left to their own devices. It's enough to make you want to toss yesterday's burrito. Then, everyone wonders why some of the rest of us get fed up and wind up shooting up a McDonald's, a school, or a shopping center. Because we're tired of putting up with stupid, fucking brainwashed dumb-asses every goddamned day of our lives!
Peoples' priorities are ass-backwards and upside down. I really think that our society's downward spiral is getting faster and faster. I don't believe that hope for a turnaround exists anymore. The human race is headed towards it's own retaining wall at breakneck speed. Now, THAT will be a crash for these dicks to really cry about.
Gentlemen, start your engines!
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You are PRINCESS - some might even call you Cinderella. Your princess characteristics definitely shine through and you're not afraid to hide your true self. You enjoy all of the best things in life, but friends and family are still very important to you. Be wary of becoming too self involved and losing your close friends. Try to compliment someone each day or do a good deed for someone in need.
Kill me kill but me life is shit kill me kill me kill, me! Please kill me kill I am nothing me the kill me, please. Kill me and kill me but kill me, I kill me life, is. Shit kill me death kill me I want to hurt you, kill me please. The kill me however kill me I'm already dead kill me, please I want to hurt you, kill. Me kill me kill me I hate myself kill me kill me I'm already. Dead kill me kill me kill me please kill me, life is shit kill but me kill me I hate you kill and me. I am! Nothing kill, me I want, to hurt and you kill me kill me I'm already dead kill me the life. Is shit kill I me kill me death kill me I hate you kill, me and please. Please kill me kill I am nothing me the kill me, please. Kill me 
In my opinion, there are few things more pathetic in our society than peoples' preoccupation with hero-worship. This nauseating concept recently reared its ugly head again because of the death of racecar driver Dale Earnhardt last Sunday. For the past few days, I've had to endure endless news reports showing NASCAR fans boo-hoo-ing and carrying on about this shit like they've lost their last friend on earth. There have been people who have traveled thousands of miles to place a wreath or some other memento at the retaining wall where he crashed his car and began his dirt nap. The TV cameras show people crying and slobbering all over themselves because they're so grief-stricken over the death of their "hero." Give me a fucking break! This motherfucker was no hero. He was just a goddamned racecar driver, that's all.
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