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12/21/00
I started thinking about why would someone openly talk about seeking child porn on the message board, and it hit me, this dude's intentions was to have FX shut down. Why the fuck else would someone post that shit over and over when it had been made perfectly clear that no one was interrested? If indeed my theory is correct, I must admit that it's a very clever scheme. To be honest, I have no idea what the truth is, and nor do I want to know. It's not in me to run and tell on someone about anything, I mean I plug this site as one of the sickest on the net, but for the most part everything here is 99% within the law. I post about shit I like, and child porn isn't one of them. I'm positive I wouldn't have to be typing this right now if this dude would have just moved on when he seen no one here wanted shit to do with this kind of shit. I sent this email to the porn dude which is posted below, and if indeed he's just that hardcore then fine, so be it, but we can't help him here. Therefore if he is infact for real he'll at least see that by doing what he's doing has cost everyone (for the time being) access to the message board. If he's down with the darkness he'll move on or at least let it go. The ball is in his court, drop him a line.... I was notified by my contact who works for my server that there was a shit load of people raising hell about all this. Within 15 minutes of that email I received a request from the feds that I take the board down, but not delete it, they "wanted it". Seems you've gotten someone's attention. I also got email from the agent who was dealing with the last problem FX got shoved into the middle of and told him I didn't know shit.
I know it said right up top to rant about whatever the fuck you want, but common sense in regards to laws must be followed. You're claim that FX is "underground" is almost laughable because I advertise the site where ever the fuck I can.. Top list, banner exchanges, link swaps and so on.
My point to all this? There is no child porn at FX. There has never been, and there will never be. Walk away a like a man, seek your fix somewhere else or whatever you feel safe doing now. You're wasting your time at FX, and now you've cut into my time. I'm not turning you in for shit to anyone, but it's time you move on. Are we clear?
Forever Pissed, I'll more than likely just move the message board to more of a forum type situation off site, which means there will be banner ads and were everyone will have to sign up, and there will be moderators and the whole nine yards. I hate to do that but I don't have time to deal with shit like this at all. I used it once a month, so it don't mean shit to me. Plus, if it's on someone else nickel then what's posted there is their problem, not mine. Well, way to go! Everything that has been spewed out on there over the last 8 months is now gone. The old message board with all the bullshit ads is still up and working, so for now just go there and bash the complete fuck out of each other. You deserve it! Trust me.
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12/20/00 I heard Sherly Crow talking one day about her song "If it makes you happy", seems that little tune was written about her boyfriend fucking her in the ass. I'm not sure if it was a joke, or if she was being for real, but I could see that. Anal sex, the forbidden fruit of most couples. Try something new tonight folks, nothing says I love you more than spreading your ass and saying have at it. I have a request, seeing how there is so many people who come by here without saying shit, humor me people, every person who comes by here ever day and never posts anything on the message board, go there and just post FX, or tell me to fuck off, whatever. It'll only take a few seconds, I just want to see, alright? For the most part no one has mentioned the classical midis on the free porn pics FX offers, this too bugs the hell out of me. I'm starting to think that even my visitors are part of some grand scheme to drive me insane. I freak out, everybody and their brother emails me telling me everything is going to be okay, just keep being yourself. Then I do something that I expect to get a response from and no one says shit. I peek over at the message board and people are fighting over child porn. Fuck! Even GOD posts shit on the FX board. I know I'm not right, I really feel as though I'm coming unglued a little every day. I live to get home and drink, it's to the point that even if I don't want to drink I do. Don't you start feeling shit though because I've been dead for years. I'm just a shell of a man mainly, and I like destroying myself. I made some kick ass deal with Video Mayhem of Florida and not one mother fucker ordered shit for a solid month? Why? Someone please explain this to me! I would have ordered from them but I spent my god damn spending money on opening a PO Box so you guys would have a way to send me one fucking signed picture of some smart mouthed cunt, and now I won't even get that. I'm beginning to learn what it is you want from me, you want to watch me crumble and die, and it's happening, slowly every day I push myself further down. The really sad part about being Tillman right now is, even though I'm not happy about it, I'll still be here talking shit until I fall, or someone comes and saves me from myself.
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Hiya. My name is Social Engineering. I really don't have to introduce
myself, because all of you have met me in some form or another. Engineering
is manipulating something to produce a desired result. If you take a hammer
to a nail, that's a type of engineering. If you beat the ideas of political
correctness and society's ideals into the nails that are people, you are
engineering.
When Hitler tried to wipe out the Jews and very nearly succeeded, we
modernized people are horrified at the brutality. Some cry, "Never again!"
When we watch clips from the 60's of young black students being hosed down as
if they were really just animals, the good people of today will shake their
fists and cheer affirmative action. But isn't the manipulation of people's
minds just as bad as the overt manipulation of their lives?
What if you've always been told what to do, where to go, what to say, how to
live your life? What if due to circumstances you really don't have a choice?
What if you don't believe the things you are being saturated with, but must
comply because if not, you may face a fate worse than death? I know I'm not
the only one who knows what it feels like to be beaten into belief. Gagged
with morals. Choked by standards.
Someone who claims to be an individual yet is under the thumb of someone else
is as good as a claustrophobic in a crawlspace. There's gotta be an end to
the sameness, the monotony. Some think its death. I wonder when I'll find
out.
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12/19/00
Alright! I have to tell you, I've been holding onto this picture for a long (ass) time and someone finally sent me a link that fits perfectly. I was scared to ask Gregg how he found this site, but god damn I've never been happier that he's a sick fucker than when I checked out Divine Interventions. This site sales something I never thought I'd have a want/need for, dildos! Not just any run of the mill dildos, we're talking about dildos in the shape of such charactors as Jesus, The Devil, and the Grim Reaper. My heart was pounding thinking about ramming these up someone's ass. Another one for just when you think you've seen it all file.
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It's insane to think about all the sites out there that do 100,000 plus a day. If that happened here there would be no way I could afford it, plus I know traffic isn't everything. Back in July FX had it's first month with over 1 million page views in a month, and November was extremely close to passing that mark. Amazing! I'm being humble here alright? I'm mot spewing shit like, "See! You fuckers who had nothing good to say about what was going on with FX can go to hell!" Well, I may be thinking that a little, but god damnit, I think it's cool. Thanks to the few sites out there brave enough to link to shit as hardcore, raw, and as real as FX.
Today's "Who is Tillman?" ..... I have developed a really bad problem with myself and going to bars. It would seem that the drunk part of Tillman likes to steal little trophies...... The number one thing on my drunk stealing list is the eight balls from pool tables. I have a collection from hell, sporting at least 10 8 balls from almost every bar I've been to since I've moved to this hick town hell. If you're reading this, and you know me, no, I didn't take your 8 ball, okay? I swear.
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12/18/00
There is another type of newbie out there though. The kind of newbie that we'd all like to search down and rip their fucking head off. The forward "the dying cancer bitch email" kind of newbie. The one who pops up at your site and asks you stupid questions like, "Did you kill them people?" The kind that comes to message boards talking shit like they're some sort of serial killer. The do gooder newbies who email you talking about "Have you found jesus blah blah blah". All this and more happens everyday on the net, but at no time more than right after Xmas will you see/hear some of the most fucked up played out bullshit. They make you take a test to have a driver license, to own a gun there is a 10 day waiting period, but to get on the net all you need is a phone line. Welcome to hell!
Today's "Who is Tillman?" ..... Never ever take me out to a bar with karaoke. I sing the meanest version of Coal Miners Daughter you've ever seen. One of two things happen when I sing, either I'm thrown out, or everybody goes completely apeshit. I have "it" on tape, and I'll try and get it posted here one day.
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Well my friend OG has finally got to playing around with her bootleg version and after a few weeks of her putting up with my add this delete that FX has it's own little flash intro. If you didn't come through the front door click here to see what all the new folks will see from now on. Make sure you crank up your speakers, there's a little tune that plays along with the shit too. Thanks OG, I owe you. (I'm over the 200 mark by now for IOU's now huh OG?) I was surfing through porn sites a few days ago while listening to classical music and I don't think I'm still quite the same man. All the free porn pic pages offered here at FX will now have classical midis accompanying them. I hate going to sites that have background music, but I feel that by combining something raunchy as midget porn with something as beautiful as Haynd somehow intertwines to create a sumptuous yet corrupting experience. You'll all thank me for this one day, trust me. All the emails you guys have been sending me almost makes me think you really thought you were dealing with a stable person. It's just me, I freak out all the time, anything could set me off, I'm moody. I've repeated something my mother said about me to a friend of mine years ago to almost every person who has somehow felt close to me, or is close to me: Don't worry about me or what I'm doing, you'll only drive yourself insane. I'm not sure what prompted her to say that, hell I can't remember who she said it to, but it still rings true. Just know that yes, things are just going to get worse.
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12/16/00
It was a weird day. Some of you told me that FX was mine. You're right. This is my Forced eXistence. That's why I felt so fucked up, I forgot why I do what I do here. It's you that I hate. The prick in traffic that starts shit and when I step out of the car runs away like a bitch. Nowhere is it written I have to make anyone happy here at FX. Why the fuck would I ever care about your happiness? I've never been happy. If you want some sellout porn ridden site that acts like it's part of the underbelly of society you've come to the wrong place. If it were up to me, I'd be standing right here when 99% of you clicked thru shooting you in the fucking face. I went down to the street to smoke a cig, some homeless dude walks past me, turns around and says, "Excuse me sir, I'm living on the streets and I need a place to stay tonight, if you could please help me out with your pocket change". It was perfect. He had every word down, and almost had the puppy dog eyes going, you know? I reached into my pocket and rolled out a wad of bills without saying a word. I held up $20, dude walks over to me eyes all bugging and shit, I flipped through my cash until I found $1, held it out and told him if he would have just told me it was for booze, or rock, or whatever I would have given him the $20. He was like, "Ah c'mon man, please, I want some wine blah blah blah". Too late! Somehow watching this wine-o, I couldn't help but to think about FX and the people who come through here. Everyone wants something, and of all the folks who are brave enough to ask, I'm betting most lie to me too. It's time for a change. I'm going to fix this shit. Somehow.
Today's "Who is Tillman?" ..... The first person who ever molested me when I was a kid was this dude about 16 years old. I was somewhere between 4 and 6 years old. The first night he had me alone in his room he put a needle in my piss hole and all down my shit. His sister walked in while all this was going on, he pushed me into the closet. I can remember standing there not making a sound for what seemed like forever, needles stuck all into my cock. When the dude's sister walked out of the room he told me I was the toughest person he'd ever seen. I still feel them needles inside me every now and then to this day when I'm pissing.
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The open, begging to fill the void
Inside. Does it spin out of control
Inside. Dark empty spaces begging to grow
Never blooming - Always dieing - Forever death
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12/14/00
Growing beyond, and I am becoming. I don't know, it was hot. Traffic, and them damn planes, the noise, I just remember it being so god damn hot. I did what I did every Friday, headed to the bank after work, cashed my check, fought assholes all the way to the beer store, bought a few cases and then took my ass home. There I'd just sit in the dark listening to music trying to drink myself away from everything. I was still thinking about that crazy son of a bitch that had killed them queers and then ate'em. Why the fuck would someone want to eat another person? Years later I had become. Maybe it was the news, A&E crime shit, rape this, shoot that, bomb them. I'd just start thinking about it all and after awhile I wanted to do it myself. I know now we all want to do it, it's inside everyone of us. Some folks waste it in one explosive moment on a loved one, make the ten O'clock news, and then never heard from again. Most folks hold it in, just push it back down, but not everybody can keep what's inside, what's real from breaking free and blooming into it's own existence. Anyways, I had a few beers in me, and decided to go bar hoping and see what was going on out there. A few hours past, and the drunk next to me was prime for rolling. I asked him if he'd like to go out to my truck and have some Vodka. We both had a few shots, and I convinced him to go to the titty bar with me. I knew as soon as I started my truck it was coming, he was so fucked up he could hardly hold his head up straight. I headed for the lake. it was about four miles from the bar, and turned out to be a good spot rolling the other drunks the weeks before. I pulled up to the boat ramp, he asked why were we there, I explained that I needed to sober up before I drove into the city. I handed him the Vodka and told him to knock it out. He took the bottle, turned it up and had this huge drink. I figured he must have had enough by now, so I reached under my seat and pulled out a buck knife. I held that knife right up to him and told him he was going home broke tonight. In one quick motion he smashed that bottle across my head before I ever even seen it coming. I didn't feel it, something in me snapped. I wanted to rip his chest open and just stand in it. I guess he could see whatever I was feeling because he just sat there as I opened my door and walked around to the passenger side. I could see my reflection in the window, blood flowing down my face, my eyes were huge and on fire. I looked so pissed I laughed out loud, my first victim knew he was about to die. Pulling him towards me I slammed the knife right into his throat, the power I felt was incredible, it was like his energy, his life force came into me. I like to kill.
Today's "Who is Tillman?" ..... All work and no play makes Tillman lose his fucking mind.
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This past week, I haven't been feeling that at all. In fact, I'm bored. For those of you that know know I'm a moody ass motherfucker. I change moods faster than anyone else out there, and maybe this will pass tonight, the next day, or 2 hours from now. This "sick of it" feeling is sticking pretty tight and I'm starting to wonder what the future has in store for FX. It sucks like hell feeling as if FX is just another chore in my daily routine, that is the last thing I ever thought would happen, but it's extremely close at this point. I never promised anyone I'd update every single day, and I would never pull the plug completely, but I thought it would only be fair to tell you guys what's going on in my head.
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A reader sent in this picture, stated it was a good friend of thiers and wanted to know what you guys thought: Is Steven Scary looking? My opinion on all this? For one, I couldn't help but think that this is a pic of of either the person who sent it, or someone is fucking with somebody by slamming their pic all over a sites that features serial killers, mass murder, poop eaters, and midget sex. I asked the sender (MorbidSolutions) what Steve would think about having his picture being posted here, "Steve thinks it's funny". My next thought was, "Damn, I think I know that dude!" I'm sure everyone of you out there has known or do know someone who looks exactly like Scary Steven, which to me says Steven would make a good armed robber because he would be hard to ID in a line up. (I'm betting however that he's a petty shoplifter at best.) Finally, do I think Steven is scary looking? Put it this way, I wouldn't let him hold my stash.
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