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11/13/00
Just remember kiddies, you never know who you're fucking with. All the dude had to do was say he was sorry, got bitched at for a second, and that would have been the end of it. Cock sucker. Some dude sent me Violett's Private Page. I skimmed through it, it's a pay site for animal freaks, and the dude that sent it in didn't say anything in the email except, "Good Link". (Perhaps he was typing with one hand?) So maybe all you Rover and his bone fuckers will like it? I seen some dude getting his cock sucked holding a horses tail up so some other chick could fuck the horse with her arm? (Damn, I just lost 1/2 of my readers huh?) Tell'em where the hell you seen it though, maybe I'll get a free membership or some shit? I was checking out the stats from yesterday, and holy fuck man, FX did pretty damn good for a Sunday! I'm in no way bragging here, in fact it's trips me the hell out to think that 2,500 people came through here in one way or another within 24 hours. The trend appears to be most folks stop by Sunday's to catch up on the past week's bullshit. Over 3,700 total pages requested here on Sunday, I'm so blown away. People got here from search engines with everything from "Fucking Mom" to "Black Serial Killers". Just to prove I'm a better man than I was a few days ago, have a look at Wonderland. How does this prove I'm a better person? Well, I answered a post on the FX message board while extremely intoxicated, and thought, what the hell. Don't get me wrong, I meant every word I said, I'm just hoping this will in some way give me good karma? Yeah right! Finally, for the "Who is Tillman" folks, I like to pinch my left nipple when I piss.
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11/12/00 Human beings are born to eliminate the weak
link: it's the survival of the fittest. This means that the teeniest
inaccuracy in how you look or act as compared to those of your peers will be
what they use to bring you down. This might be coming from a label hound
clotheshorse, but hear me out. The majority of what I wear is black, and
running to the corner store for milk and not bothering to change out of my
Iron Maiden T-shirt with the creepy phantom type monster on it has caused me
loads of grief. The freaking Old World mothers on their porches don't think I
have the right to be in their neighborhood and actually ask me who I'm
looking for when I live around the corner. If someone is actually speaking to
me b/c they are truly clueless enough to think I'm lost, that's okay. I mean,
what's a world without morons? Totally unbalanced. But if its someone just
being nasty and discriminatory, I'm not above kicking someone in the face,
mainly b/c I'm on the track team and can run like hell.
The fact that to avoid people being up in my business I have to dress to the
freakin nines pisses me off. Which is why I can't understand putting yourself
out there and not being able to handle what comes to you. The truth is, some
of the aforementioned groups simply dress weird so they can complain about
society. But then, if you actually try to engage them in a conversation about
society, all they have to say is: "People suck" or, the equally popular
"People=Shit" if your dealing with a Slipknot fan. And others simply like the
way they look, and are mature enough to have developed the thick skins that
allow them to hit the mute button when a human Gap ad challenges them.
In a Hot Topic and TRL laced world, its cool for teens to have at least
some piece of paraphernalia that shows all their buddies they are kinda
'rock' too. Whether it's the KoRn cd ::snorts:: that's used as a Frisbee
until your friends come over, or the crumpled Ozzfest shirt that really
belongs to your older brother. What does this prove? That no matter what
clique my peers or I claim, and no matter what hood we roll with, ::cracks
up:: everyone is a poser, so there's no use in being embarrassed about it,
whether your a poser now, or were sometime before I was even born. And don't
deny it. And if you have gone to high school, you've been a poser too. Whatever. I've got Chem homework to do.
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I'm still waiting to hear from Gregg about the CE awards. Last I heard from him he was on his way back from some island! Must be nice?
"Dont know, the awards are on the 27th, or the 24th, a monday night. I'm prolly gonna have to sit through hours of "best actor in a musical" type shit. I expect the ceremony to suck and than I expect to lose. It's cool to be nominated though." Sounds like a fun filled night. Save me some chicken.
I'm also waiting to hear from FX's own 15 y/o Catholic School Girl. I know she's still alive, and has access to her PC, she sent me mail asking about posting an update this week, but that was all she had to say. I'm starting to think with the way the poll results are going she is taking full advantage of her new celebrity status. And I thought she was all mine? *Sigh* FX has to find another way to chat people. That thing sucks bandwidth like a $5 whore, and really isn't all that great. Although there really isn't that many people who use the chat room, the few times I've ran across people in there I really enjoyed talking to them. If any of you guys out there are really into chat, and can suggest a place where FX could have it's own room please email me and let me know. Finally I'd like to address (for about the 3rd time this week) the issue of "who is Tillman". For whatever reason it seems to be a hot topic lately. Folks come by here, look around for a few minutes then walk away like they know exactly who I am. I'm moody and I drink quite a bit, and I post updates while drinking often. Nothing is planned here. I hardly ever have an idea of what the hell I'm going to talk about when I log on, it just happens. Think about that before you read into something you see here. To me, I could careless what people who come by here think about me because there is way more to me than what you read here at FX. This is just a web site, that's all. Nothing more. I like spending my free time spewing thoughts and opinions here because I enjoy it. Not because I have to. If I get sick of updating, then FX goes back to the way it was, bottom line.
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---- REAL LIFE
VUEDOOANGIL
From: Tillman@ForcedeXistence.com
I can also sense by your use of punctuation, and the inability to write a simple letter to convey your unintelligible dribble suggests you've done many drugs, or maybe you've just gotten the shit kicked out of your ass one too many times for opening up that cock sucker when you have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. I could be wrong though, I don't have this amazing talent you possess. When you get bored, email me so we can reminisce about the band, or prison, or how much fun my childhood was....
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11/11/00 I know this all sounds so fucking stupid, and it's so far away from who I was before. I can remember not being scared, I can remember being the life of they party, but now I'm trapped in with paranoid thoughts of nothingness. I see people look at me, and I can sense their fear, and I wondering to myself, are they scared because I look like I'm freaking out, or am I really as fucking scary as I see myself? I just wanted to buy a new toothbrush, and all I came home with was beer, and a 5th of Jagermeister. Sometimes I feel like FX is all I have now, and in many ways it's true. I have become close to some people from here, and I just can't imagine what most of you guys think of when you think of me, I thought I knew, but damn I was wrong. I've heard some pretty interesting thoughts in chat etc.. about who it is you really think I am, and what I'm doing. Now you know what's going on today at least. I can almost hear hundreds of cartoon characters screaming "Tear down the wall". Is this were I cry out for help? Or pour the gasoline?
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11/09/00
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11/08/00 What the fuck is wrong with people? I just don't understand who the fuck would vote for Gore. Man, don't you people remember what the hell his demented slut wife Tipper did back in the 80's? You know all them little explicit lyrics stickers on your CD's? That was a direct result of her! "So Tillman, who cares about some stupid sticker", you say? Well, their intent was to ban all music that THEY felt was inappropriate! They settled for stickers for then! Imagine what the fuck would happen if they were in power? Who are they you ask? "They" was Tipper Gore and some other christian do gooders with too much time on their hands. What the fuck is Al Gore all about? Bigger government. More control over your life. That piece of shit stood up there in front of the world and said. "I'm going to put the power back in the hands of the parents in regards to inappropriate music and movies" etc.... Who the fuck do you people think has the ability to decide what comes in your house right now? You Do! When Gore says he wants to give it back to you, what he's really saying is he will regulate what is available! At this point, I could care less who wins, the polls were so close it's obvious that at least 50% of the US is so brain washed that they need someone telling them what to do and when to do it. Voting for him is like sheep driving themselves to the slaughter laughing the whole way there. Sad! I picture Gore's government like Angelfire, don't like it? Delete it! I've washed my hands with society completely. When you want me, I'll be right here, armed and waiting.
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Picture a young
girl who gets picked up by a guy who feeds her meth for a couple weeks
straight, then gives her a hundred hits of acid and auctions her body off to
some pervert. The guy that buys her can use and abuse her body in any way
he desires while she is a vegetable. Does the thought of something like
this make you sick, or does it amuse you? Does it make you want to try this yourself so that you can get off on it? What if some weirdo kidnapped a bunch of young girls and
dumped chemicals into their eyes to make them go blind, and jammed screwdrivers into
their ears until they could no longer hear. He now has a dozen or more
blind and deaf girls who he sells as girlfriends to the desperate. The
girls being sold have just had their lives ruined just so
guys can take advantage of them and pleasure themselves. People who get off on this stuff should check out Delusions and Depravity for some serious sick entertainment. It has drawings of nude girls getting cut up and being roasted over fires. It's a must see for those of you who crave the bizarre, maybe it will inspire you to draw your own pictures of gruesome death. If you do come up with any of your own art similar to this stuff, post it so all us sick fuckers can all check it out.
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11/06/00 Okay, so is there a point to all this? (Isn't there always a point to my ramblings?) Do whatever the fuck makes you happy, and fuck what everyone else thinks! This is your only chance, forced or not, take this mother fucker by the horns and slap the shit out of it! Do you think that if you bite you lip and hold yourself back that the "other guy" is going to do the same? "The other guy" wants you to suffer, and is willing to climb right over your ass to get what he wants, you must be stronger, more intelligent, and willing to crush him to succeed in this world. In the immortal words of ZaRDoZ, "Go Forth And Kill"!
I'd like to welcome Flict to his new home at HornyForEvil.com! I'd skimmed his site when he requested info on signing up, and thought it was way too ironic that the day I flip out like a cook, I find out what he does for a living....... I'd also like to thank everyone of you who voted for Bagg in the CEA awards. As soon as Gregg finds out what happens, I'll let you guys know. Special thanks go out to everyone who helps out around here with updates and what-have-you, Zilla, Slap Happy, Morbid Shadow, Gregg, and LeafaRae, you guys rock! And for all the countless people who email me shit, or come by here day in day out make me feel as if I'm not really wasting my time, thank you. Okay, that's enough of that happy assed bullshit! *Puke*
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11/05/00
I woke from a rather vivid dream this morning. My dream found me standing on the top of a slight hill, in the dark, next to a deserted stretch of road. The ForcedX MessageBoard group watched as the dark, 1980's Chevy reached top speeds and plowed into a masonite wall exploding his head and his torso. It was split screen, zoomed out and SplatterCam close up. Cheers rose from the group. Someone behind me said they wanted to go down and fuck whatever was left of the body, the rest of commented that we wanted to watch. Once there, I remember poking thru the insides of his fully splayed chest cavity, holding different parts up, as a game, for group identification.
Lately I've been filled with Rage. I'm feeling like ButterCup the PowderPuff girl. The end of Autumn, all the trees, now bare, look like roots sticking out of a upside down, inside out, world. Makes me think of the beginning of the TV show : 'Tales From The DarkSide'. In some Pagan religions 'Pan' has taken reign of the land. Words like Misanthropic, Thoth and the number 666 have been coming up by chance for the last few days. My hair now dyed black from October lends a feeling that I'm certainly a Daughter of Set. A friend of mine who lets me borrow CD's from him, randomly handed me one from the band Dismember. I did a search on Yahoo for Dismember and found this fun tidbit:
Dismember Me. I think I need a night of getting really sloppy drunk. Maybe I just need a Mosh-Pit.
Since the dawn of time
Deep within a blackened heart
The surge of raw aggression
Embedded in our genes
Suppressing
the rage within Comments: Click Here
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